Why We Need Fat People

Monday, July 30, 2007

By Greg Gutfeld

New research suggests that obesity is infectious — meaning that if you hang out with fat people, you get fat. Even more, if you're fat, you can make your thin friends fat, too. Being fat is the new plague. But instead of dying, you become jolly.

There's a growing attack on our most productive people in society: fatties. Fat people do more for this country than just sit around and get fat. They consume. And consuming is what makes America great.

You see, when a tubby eats, it sparks a cascade of capitalism. First, you've got to drive to the restaurant, which needs a car and gas. Buying the burger pays for the exchange student behind the counter. And then there's the money spent on Pepto after you eat.

We need fat people. They are like portable compost bins. In goes table scraps, out comes nutrient rich "soil amendments." That's why my houseplants are so lush.

And what of the poor example set by our skinny leaders. G.W. and John Edwards jog, while Kucinich "race walks." Could you imagine our greatest leaders in history — such as Winston Churchill or Ronald Reagan — jogging? FDR would never have been caught "race walking." Not that he had a choice, but still.

Skinny people contribute zilch to society. They don't hit buffet lines or order "Big Gulps." Instead they eat celery, which is basically crunchy air. At least bulimics give back to society, albeit in a toilet.

And that's my gut feeling.