WTF is so great about the Supra anyway?

Zombie Hobo in Crazyland

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Didn't bob already star in this movie?

Why don't blind people sky dive?


It scares the living hell out of the "Seeing Eye Dog."

Two peanuts walk into a bar.  One was assaulted.

A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream. The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

A blind guy walks into a bar and says he wants to tell a blond joke. The bartender stops him and says,"Before you tell it I'd just like to let you know that I'm blond and I've been known to poison drinks of customers that piss me off, and the woman next to you is blond and she just got out of prison for murder, the woman sitting next to her is blond and she's in a biker gang, the woman on your other side is also blond and she's a black belt in karate, and the woman next to her is also blond and she's a professional body builder. So, are you sure you still want to tell a blond joke?"

The blind guy pauses, then says,"You're right. It's probably better that I don't tell the joke..."


"...because I don't want to have to explain it five times."

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face.  "Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.  Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with
a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.  Her head was
bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.  "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations.  His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better.  This dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better.  His dog was named Measure.  He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass.  The dog did this with no problem.

All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were equally smart.  They all turned to the construction worker and asked, "What can your dog do?"

The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show these fellows what you can do!"  Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back.  While doing so, he filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

Like I says, two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ...there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon..ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees..........


Ees...


...Eees a Ham Bush!

Canadians cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the USA.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman with big boobs who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'