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Truth Is Treason, In The Empire Of Lies
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How's this for 1923! Bob
Trailer:
Big Pimpin' Stewy's Remedial Videography Corporation presents
Yet another Pathetic b0bWare Production
"Barney Goes to Dagobah - Episode Nine: Is It Over Yet?"
*Show Bob/Stewy with Lightsabers, Face off, Start running*
Starring "Bob" as Captain Jean Luc Picard and Luke Skywalker
Starring "Stewy" as Captain James Tiberius Kirk and Darth Vader
Co-Starring "Shazzzzzzzzam" as Lt. O`Hura and The Blonde Bimbo
Co-Starring "Briney" as Emperor Jerkins
"If you see one movie this year, make it Star Wars: Episode Two. If you see two movies this year, make them Lord of the Rings and Star Wars: Episode Two. If you see three movies this year... Make sure this isn't one of them!"
(Play to THE EYE IS UPON YOU until it ends...have a flash at the end) make it all serious
(Then play tanuk tanuk)
"Barney Goes to Dagobah - Episode Nine: Is It Over Yet?"
Big Pimpin' Stewy's Remedial Videography Corporation presents
Yet another Pathetic b0bWare Production
Starring "Bob" as Captain Jean Luc Picard and Luke Skywalker
Starring "Stewy" as Captain James Tiberius Kirk and Darth Vader
Co-Starring "Shazzzzzzzzam" as Lt. O`Hura and The Blonde Bimbo
Co-Starring "Briney" as Emperor Jerkins
Star Wars opening scroller, scroll down to inanimate object.
"Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far, far, FAR out in left field, out in the boondocks, past the mailbox, under the bridge, and through the woods to Granny's house, lived a midget. *Cut to someone waving, cut back* But we're not going to talk about him, because the Midget's Anti-Defamation League told us not to. Anyway, we digress. Let's try this again."
"Long, long ago, almost before a certain football coach was born, in a galaxy somwhere beyond the hundred yard line, an evil man by the name of... uhh, let's see here... Dork Vader." *That's Darth!* "Ohh, yes, Garth Vader." *I said Darth!* "Oh, right, Dark Vader." *Kills narrator*
"The people responsible for making this scroller have been canned. Anyway, an evil man by the name of Ralph Nader.." *IT'S VADER. DARTH VADER* *Blam!*
"*Clear Throat* The people responsible for canning the people responsible this scroller have been canned. Let's try this one more time. Once upon a time, and evil man by the name of.. uhh, well.. me, tried to establish complete domination of the universe. Muahahahahahahaha! Muahahahaaha! Muahaha *cough*choke*gag* By the way, I like candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach. I'm a taurus, so give me a call at..."
Darth Vader has been canned.
Andrew as Lt. O`Hura: Captain we are being fired upon by a galatic starship.
Bob: Lt. o`Hura, raise shields, charge phasers, go to red altert. Open all hailing frequencies.
(Red alert)
Bob: Attention hostile vessel! You have attacked the U.S.S. Enterprise, N.C.C. 1701-D, a warp nine point nine capable galaxy-class space ship, equipped with two phaser arrays and three photon torpedo bays, capable of going zero to medieval in ten seconds flat.
Stewy: Mr. Sulu, train phasers on their bridge...
Bob: What? Who the heck are you?
Stewy: What do you mean who am I? I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk! Who are you? This is my starship, old man!
Bob: Ahh, the former admiral? I'm Captain Jean Luc Picard! Worf, escort this juvenile delinquent off my bridge immediately!
Stewy: Extras who always die in red...uh..I mean security team, get this geezer off MY bridge.
*Extras come out and one gets shot. The one keeps walking.*
Vader: If you guys don't mind, I have other foolish mortals to take care of today...
Bob: No this is MY ship!
Stewy: No it's mine!
Bob: No, mine!
Stewy: Mine!
Vader: Guys if we could get this over wi...
Bob and Stewy: Shut up!
Vader sits back and drinks coffee.
Stewy: We'll thumbwrestle for it!
Bob: No, we'll wrestle with our shirts off!
Stewy: No, we'll start with them on and they'll get RIPPED off!
Bob: No, I propose that we engage in a battle of... wits!
Vader: Could I offer a battle of starships?
Stewy: Chess!
Bob: No, trivia! How many people inhabit Prexia 4?
Stewy: Seventeen, including bunnies. In episode thirty-five of the original series, what color was the Klingon Embassy's fifth penant?
Bob: Too simple, red! What was the warp speed matrix of Sisko's Defiant?
Stewy: Warp eleven. Just one more. Does this suit make me look fat?
Bob: No, no, the red brings out the color of your eyes. Last question. Where..did you get your hair piece from.
Vader: Frederick's of Hollywood?
Stewy: ...No fair! Mr. Sulu...fire.
Bob: No, Mr. Worf, engage.
Stewy: No..fire.
Bob: Engage!
Stewy: Fire!
Bob: No engage..(whiny)
Stewy: No fire...(whiny)
Vader: *Sighs* Ehh..? Destroy them.
*The Enterprise is blown up.*
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Bob and Briney as Obi Wan in a field.
Briney: Young Skywalker, now your training has been almost completed, you just have one more thing to learn. You must learn your song and dance…of the Jedi master, Yoda.
(line dancing…scenes from Star Wars…Weird Al’s - YODA)
Bob: Thank you, master, I shall always remember you. But you never told me who my father was.
Briney: Luke you must find that out yourself.
Bob: So what you’re saying is…you don’t know.
Briney: No I know, I just don’t want you to know. Now my young Jedi, strike me down so that I may be one with the…
Bob: …The force?!
Briney: No! What's the matter w/ you? Do you want George Lucas to slap us with a copyright violation? Let's use the farce instead!"
Bob: Okay…
Briney: No, wait! You’re suppose to protest and I’m suppose to die by the hands of your fa…I mean Darth Vader.
Bob: No that’s okay I can do it.
Briney: No wait wait…(disappears as he’s hit with a light saber).
(Cut to the scene of the Bobulator leaving a planet with R2D2)
Bob: So where’s Han at, R2?
R2: beep beep boop
Bob: Uhh would it be that hard for Pentium to program you with a language program. Oh well I’ll just go to the secret rebel base.
Cut to view of planet with sign: Shh rebel base here. Smart people only. NO football players allowed."
Bob: Hanz!
Andrew: Luke! Where have you been?
Bob: I’ve been learning the farce!
Andrew: Oh that’s just mumbo jumbo.
Bob: Is that why I just made your pants go around your ankle.
(Andrew with his pants down)
Andrew: Two Shea. Anyway we have a problem.
(start talking like Dragnet..lot of cuts back and forth..fast talking and nodding)
Bob: What?
Andrew: Vader.
Bob: Again?
Andrew: Yeah.
Bob: What now?
Andrew: New Death Star.
Bob: Oh no.
Andrew: Yeah.
(grunts and yeahs and head nods)
Andrew: We’ll fill you in more, but it’s not safe to talk here. The walls have ears.
Yell: BECAUSE IT WOULD BE VERY BAD IF I TOLD YOU THAT IF WE DIDN’T DESTROY THE NEW DEATH STAR IN 13 HOURS WE WOULD HAVE NO CHANCE OF DEFEATING THE EMPIRE! (Go back to normal voice) ya know it just wouldn’t be good for the alliance.
Move to a part and hit emblem on chest. “Beam me up, Snotty.”
Snotty: (dripping nose) uhhh yes surr.
They beam to a computer room.
Andrew: We have just been informed that the New Death Star is over Endor, the home base of the care bears
Bob: You mean the Ewoks
Andrew: Uhh yeeeaaah.
Show the Death Star.
Bob: What’s that new weapon there?
Andrew: That is Wessley the Hut.
Bob: Just watch the footage we smuggled out of there.
(Shows Wess walk in…ground shakes…Vader gives him a beam burrito…after eating it really fast and sloppy have gurgling sound and Wess running to a bathroom…show entire Death Star shaking form the outside)
Andrew: They’re preparing to fire.
(Show Wess roaring and then cut to the scene from ID4)
Bob: That was…that was…
Andrew: Our scientists have classified it as icky.
(Show random act of violence countdown in XX seconds)
Bob: Lets go, Hanz!
Andrew: Okay, Luke, we’ll get your fath….I mean Vader for Yoda.
(Show slow walk of the two and have a marathon runner run by them at normal speed, biker, have them walk through random scenes like deserts, forests, and Simpsons house)
Tanuk Tanuk scene. Blow up U.S.S. Osama bin Laden - Random acts of violence count-down.
Andrew: Ready to take a ride on the Millennium Flacon again.
Bob: As long as you’re not driving.
(Simpsons laughing)
Millennium Flacon takes off and goes makes it way to the Death Star. Go to scene with Death Star
Show someone as Leia aboard the Death Star.
Stewy: Did you really think you could get away from me Princess?
Leia: Uhh I don’t know..yes?
Stewy: De dee…No you couldn’t I can’t believe I am your fath….I can’t believe you survived birth.
Leia: Well I survived cheerleading camp.
Vader: What is the combination to this case containing the location of the secret rebel base.
Leia: The first number is…hey your trying to trick me.
Officer: "Are you going to make Leia work in the salt mines?"
Vader: "No, manual labor was outlawed…stupid Jewish anti-defamation league. Instead, a more terrifying punishment, we make them sit in front of a computer and scan slides all day." *Maniacal Laughter*
Leia: Tee Hee Hee
Vader sighs, Leia keeps giggleing.
Vader: Make our to the uber-secret hidden command center.
Officer: Uhh..Which way is it?
Vader: I don't know, follow the signs!
*Really obvious signs*
Random acts of stupidity in XX seconds.
Vader: (stalling for stupidity) So..uhh..how was your weekend?
Officer: Very good sir…how was yours?
Vader: Uh..not bad. I got a little sun. *Nervous laugh*
Officer: Chuckle very good sir.
Vader: uhh
Officer: Sir you could use the farce to make it go faster.
Vader: Can I do that? I wouldn’t get in trouble or anything?
Officer: You could try.
Vader: Okay here goes. *Lifts hand. The officer starts to choke.*
Vader: Are you okay, Hal?
*The officer spits out a piece of small food*
Officer: Uhh yeah I’m okay. Would you like to try again sir?
Vader: Oh it’s okay it’s almost over.
Officer: Very good sir.
Vader: *after a pause* I heard an interesting joke from one of the torture subjects. *What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper. Ha ha ha uhh.*
Officer: Ha very good sir
Vader: sighs..oh screw it *starts to walk and walks right into the camera and falls back*
(Download stupid sports scenes and put in pics of Walley)
Show Vader walking down a hallway. Dance, Vader walks through rave, acts serious, busts a groove suddenly, then moves on. Vader walks down hall, "Can I see you hall pass please." Riley or Perkins. Ends up walking in a bathroom on accident. He screams.
Officer: What’s wrong sir?
Vader: "They're, umm.. getting along just great without me." * Casey and Schmittendorff Pic*
Walks on bridge.
Vader: Sgt. Arse, status report.
Sgt: (Well spoken) We are picking up the Millennium Flacon on radar but they are very far off.
Vader: Very good. Major Dumas how’s interrogation going?
Major: (Also well spoken) We are on a break through, sir, you might want to come here.
Vader: I’ll be right there. Private Smartz…what’s for diner?
Private: Duhhh I think uh duh slopey joes.
Vader goes to interrogation room: Now princesses, have you had enough of scanning slides.
Princess: *crying* Yes yes please stop..only a true sadistic man would make me do these everyday.
Vader: Very well, what is the code?
Princess: The secret password is 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5."
Vader: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? What kind of password is that? That's something an idiot would use on his luggage.
Vader goes to the comm. Room: What is thy bidding my master?
Emporor: I have a great disturbance in my force. I think it’s misshapen and it has a weird green color.
Vader: Uhh sir we have the code.
Emperor: Ahh good. What is it?
Vader: Shouldn’t we use the super extra secret code.
Emperor: Oh Okay. Test it out and see if it works
Vader: 1001000100110001001010010101001011
Emperor: HA ha ha! Good one Vader.
Vader: Thank you sir I thought that one up myself.
Emperor: Now what is the code?
Vader: 1,2,3,4,5.
Emperor: What a coincidence, that's the password I use on my luggage! Go to the base and destroy the rebels. And have the password changed on my luggage
Vader: Yes my lord…and you should have that looked uhh disturbance.
Emperor: I think I will.
Doc: What’s wrong?
Emperor: I bent my wookie and my I have a greenish glow on my force and it’s not as big as it use to be.
Doc: "Have you tried our little blue friends? They.. Holy crap, you aren't kidding!"
Show them from the front with light sabers.
Doc: You just needed new batteries for your lightsaber.. not your force.
Emperor: Oh yeah!
Doc: You should have seen the two weirdoes who came in here yesterday. Here’s a picture. *Show pic*
Go back to Vader.
Vader: Where is the Millennium Falcon?
Officer: Sir, they're in firing range. May I change settings?
Vader: Change setting?! Are you frickin' crazy?! Change settings?! Get off my bridge!
Vader: Get me Boba Fett!
Eric walks in as Boba Fett.
Vader: Go to the ship and capture Skywalker…alive.
Fett nods and goes to his ship and takes off.
Fett and Hanz fight with ships and Fett wounds the Falcon and boards and take Luke hostage.
Fett brings Luke back to the Death Star.
Vader: Good job Boba Fett.
*need a way to get Eric to reveal himself*
Vader and Luke walking causally down a hall, both have light sabers.
Luke: So we finally meet Darth Vader.
Vader: Yes we do, my son.
Luke: You mean you are my father! Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Vader: What? Wait let me explain. Luke, I am your father's... mother's brothers' uncle's pet monkey's son's roommate, twice removed, four times over, on the left side, medium-rare, sunny side up.
Luke: Oh, so what does that make us?
Vader: Absolutely Nothing.
Luke: If you’re not my father then why did everyone keep hinter you were?
Vader: You try saying that.
Luke: I see…then who is my father then?
Vader: Who else but the evil one himself.
Luke: You mean my father is…
Vader: Yes that’s right your father is…
Go to Tanuk Tanuk.
Vader: …Bill Clinton.
Luke: Noooooooo. Wait a minute. I don’t care.
Vader: Now join me young Jedi and we shall serve the Emperor together.
Luke: What if I refuse?
Vader: Oh must we go through the routines. You know, I know, the people out there know, this guy know (grab someone and throw him out) what I’m going to say. You will die. There ya happy?
Luke: Man your crabby.
Vader: You mean I’m a very sinister dark lord of the Sith.
Luke: No, not really. In fact I don’t think you’re that bad at all.
Vader: Oh yeah…well…I torture people by making them to Hanson. I’m a member of PETA and Green Peace. *some other bad stuff*
Luke: Wow you are bad.
Vader: You just hate me because I'm black. I'm just misunderstood. Now young Skywalker join me or die.
Luke: Well what type of retirement plan does the Empire provide you with?
Vader: Well..wait..what?
Luke: You know how’s your 401k, what type of severance pay would I get, and how many years after I retire can I dip into my Farce trust fund?
Vader: Uhh I don’t know. I don’t think we have one.
Luke: Wow you’re screwed! *Pull out light saber*
Vader: *pulls out his* I see your Schwartz is as big as mine! I had a bigger light saber before and you know what they say, the bigger the light saber, the bigger the...
Luke:...compensation.
*they start to fight, fight through more scenes*
Make fun of pep assemblies.
*Short video of pep assembly. Cut to Bob, Stewy, supports."
Stewy: "What's the point of this.. `pep' assembly? I'm not feeling particularly peppy."
Bob: "You are supposed to.." *Pulls up huge list of instructions* "Yell, scream, shriek, and generally annoy those seated around you. It is supposedly in the best interests of the team. Soon, a bunch of blonde bimbos come out in their prissy purple outfits and the testosterone level suddenly sky rockets."
*Cut to video of cheerleaders coming onto the floor.*
Stewy: "That must be them now! Wow this is scary! I hate pep assemblies.
Jessi: What'd you say!
*Beat us out of gym*
*fight some more…then..*
*have a guy come out that is obviously Scot S., Football Coach: The Bible isn't Real. I’m going to make up facts that I say are in The Bible but aren’t. The Bible can’t be real because then the whole world would suddenly make sense. The Big Bang is the way! Physics says that matter can’t be created….well…uhh…except for this one case. Anyone with faith in the Bible is stupid. Trust me I know this because I know everything and I coach football. - Darth and Luke look at him, each other, him again, and simultaneously "maim" him. Shrug shoulder and go back to beating on each other.
Luke and Vader stop and they are out of breath.
Luke: Why are we fighting again?
Vader: Uhh because it’s in the script?
Luke: You want to not fight anymore?
Vader: But what about the five lifetime contract we signed with Lucas arts?
Luke: What’s the worst they can do to us.
*Show nuclear explosion*
Announcer: Do you think we would really end it here? Yes you’re right we would but we thought up of other stuff.
Luke: Let’s stop fighting.
Vader: And do what?
Luke: You know Vader your helmet looks very shinny today. Did you do something to it?
Vader: Oh nothing really I just use extra-strength turtle wax.
*Start playing Enya’s Only Time… Vader and Luke in a field, frolicking? Luke behind Darth Vader in Titanic Pose (Deathstar?) "I'm the King of the World!"
Announcer: Boy what were we drinking when we thought that up.
Announcer 2: Why we were drinking Jolt, the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of the computer nerd
Announcer: Oh yeah…well here’s the real ending.
*Luke stabs Vader*
Vader: *laying on the ground* Luke…Luke…
Luke: Yes…father’s..mother’s…brother’s…
Vader: Take off my mask.
Luke: But you’ll die and join the Farce too.
Vader: So? Do you know what kind of man the Emperor is. He’s always making me count his moles…everyday…and everyday it’s always 73. And most of them are very well hidden especially around….
Luke: Alright I’ll take it off!
Vader: Now I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: What do you see?
Vader: *looks down* Your robes open.
Luke: Is this it? Is this the end?
Vader: Oh young Jedi..you are very talented but you do not know the way of the ultimate power.
Luke: What’s that?
Vader: Ma..ma…Merchandizing. There will always be sequals, prequils, books, action figures, bed sheets, costumes, video games, and all the other junks that nerds will buy.
Luke: So the true farce is the immorality of us.
*Sappy music*
Vader: We will die but our memory will live on.
Luke: And George Lucas will still be making money off us. And he’s never going to die
Vader: Answer me this, Luke.
Luke: Anything.
Vader: Why..in Star Wars: Episode I, didn’t Qui Gon Ginn disappear when he died and Yoda and Obi Wan disappear. I mean heck even I disappear when I die?
Luke: I don’t know. Why was Jar Jar allowed to live past the editors. Who knows this things but the Farce?
Vader: Luke, go and destroy this Death Star before it attacks the Rebel base.
Luke: Doesn’t this place have a self destruct button?
Vader: *sarcastically* Oh yeah tha’d be smart.
Luke: All right all right sorry. What about Leia?
Vader: Do you really want someone that blonde in the universe?
Luke: *silences*
Vader: Now go. *Luke runs to the Flacon* and remember never trust a Jahwa and don’t eat the buffet at the Cantina!
The Death Star blows up and credits roll.
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